Dating and Sex: Rules Of Thumb
- If he claims to be 9 inches and thick, he's 5 inches, thin, and slightly crooked.
- If he claims to be 10 inches and above, either he doesn't know how to measure, or he's measuring from his lower back.
- If she smokes, she fucks.
- Guys who are good in bed do not ask others if they are good in bed.
- Guys who brag about their sexual prowess are never good in bed.
- If he's very handsome, he has no bedroom skills, because he never needed them. This explains why, even though he always gets the girl, he never fucks any of them more than once.
- If he talks about Dungeons & Dragons on the first date, he's never seen a vagina in real life before.
- If she's a cute, doped-up "party girl" and sleeps with you with little or no prodding, she will throw a hissy fit/throw a glass/threaten to slit her wrists when you sober up and try to part ways.
- If he says he's 5'11", he's 5'6".
- If he says he's 6'7", he's 6'7".
- If she brags about her hot her body is, curves in all the right places, etc., she's a "butterface".
- If she and her friend put on a lesbian "show" for you and your boys on a night out, stare, appreciate the arousal, then go home and jerk off. Trust me, you don't want to sleep with her.
- If he smokes, he's great at cunnilingus. But don't kiss him before he brushes his teeth.
Feel free to suggest additions to the list.
posted by Avatar at 11:04 AM
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13 Comments:
Bravo! I cannot lavish enough praise upon you and your blog. Keep it up, I have you bookmarked!
8/25/04 11:43 AM
Good advice. i wish some of them hadn't--lucky that;
if they're egocentric and gregarious its great sex and they get over the other stuff after a modicum of melodramatics. Are you willing to risk a scene or some shrapnel?
8/25/04 1:35 PM
I agree with all of the following except
the smoking ones. I have had smokers who
either sucked at oral or who just couldn't
be bothered, possibly complicated by the
fact that they were very good looking (but
not for long!) and 6'7".
Also, my mother chain-smokes like a mother-
well, like a mother. And I'd like to think
she doesn't...yeeesh *shudder*!
8/25/04 3:00 PM
Damn, I knew I should have thought this through better. Do the dual negatives cancel each other out, or do they just compound? Do multiple negative combinations deserve their own unique corollaries? Damnit, there I go overthinking again.
Pisser: Oh, dear me. My great-grandma smokes! Yeeeesh. Oh, the visual, it is horrible!
8/25/04 3:11 PM
Plus if the party girl is at your house, stalking may and has happened. Along with beer bottles flying at my head.
8/25/04 4:56 PM
If she says she can suck cock like a vacuum, she sucks to much/hard, and there is usually not enough "motion".
However, Im still waiting for that girl! ha!
8/25/04 9:04 PM
I don't smoke, and I've been told my tongue can work wonders.
8/26/04 1:34 AM
I am 6'7'' !!!!!!
8/26/04 1:13 PM
Guys don't have to worry about being good in bed. We always get off. If the girl gets off...she's special.
8/26/04 1:31 PM
If he can't kiss he can't fuck.
If he tells you "There've been no complaints eh eh" it means the women have all fallen asleep.
If he insists on complete darkness he's a wanker and can't bonk to save his life.
If 5 secs into the kiss he shoves his hand between your legs and then says after being slapped twice "What don't tell me you're a virgin!" he's a wanker and probably can't bonk to save his life.
If he goes for your breast before he even tongue-kisses he's a wanker and probably can't bonk to save his life.
If he's the first to interrupt a hanky-panky session he's a wanker and probably can't bonk to save his life.
Corolary: If he asks you to sleep over and then all you do is sleep he's a wanker and probably can't bonk to save his life.
9/18/04 11:33 AM
The smoking ones are important. Smoker = orally fixated personality type = likes putting things in mouth, sucking, licking etc. Looking for a lover, then look for a smoker, and you are odds-up for good oral and a good kisser, yes.
4/11/06 7:54 PM
If he tells you "There've been no complaints eh eh", it either means the women have all fallen asleep...or he killed them all immediately afterwards...or he paid them off like Tom Cruise did Katie Holmes.
If he insists on complete darkness then either he's a wanker and can't bonk to save his life...or he is so well-endowed that he's afraid you'll run screaming for the hills the first time you see what he's packing.
5/5/06 2:59 PM
Funny :)
7/10/06 8:04 PM
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