Whoa, there!

[Prologue: I dare you, Jane-y; I fucking dare you to steal this too.]



I will cockpunch slap the next guy I hook up with who considers licking my ear with his tongue a turn-on. That's my second biggest peeve next to the ass-licking thing. Big, wet, fleshy tongue poking and probing my ear canal? Mmmm... gimme more! Not. How do people find an alternate wet-willy during a fingerbang even remotely arousing?

There are some other things people do during the act of sexual congress that slams the brakes on passion. They are otherwise known as deal-breakers. Mine are as follows:

1. ear-licking (sick and wrong)
2. nipple-twisting (not fondling, but rather treating them like the tuner knobs on a radio. Until the day you see me sprout an FM receiver out my ass, lay off with the station-surfing, pal.)
3. ass-smacking (unless there's a spider on there that you're trying to kill, forget it. If you smack my ass, I'm liable to spin around and punch you. And unless you want to become intimate with my left hook, trust me, you don't want to risk it.)
4. arm-pinching (what are we, five now?)
5. toe-sucking (I know Moby likes it. I don't care. Go suck Moby's toes, shrimper.)
6. neck-biting (Not unless it's Halloween and you're dressed like one of those sexy brooding goth boys.)
7. tickling (see #3)
   
8. asking me irrelevant questions, like, "Where's the remote?" will earn you a one-way trip out the door, followed quickly by your clothes.
   

Other than that, let's see what'cha got, big boy. Go ahead, impress me.