How To Prepare for a Casual Encounter

Even though it might just be a one-time thing, you still want to make as great an impression on him as you can. You want him to remember you; if not your name, your face. Or your ass. Whatever. You want to fuck the guy under the table, leave him screaming your name, and have him come crawling back for more. In order to make the evening go off without a hitch, however, here is a list of guidelines a woman with a plan needs to follow:

Hours before:

• Don't eat anything that significantly alters your body chemistry, and avoid foods that may cause gastro-intestinal distress. These include garlic, onions, asparagus, broccoli, beans, and dairy. You don't want to rip ass while he's going down on you, and you don't want your cooch to taste bitter. In fact, if you can, load up on fruits and juices like pineapple and cataloupe, as they make oral sex taste a lot better.
• Drink lots and lots of water to flush your system and hydrate all your necessary mucous membranes.
• Pack condoms (without Nonoxynol-9, as it's highly allergenic and numbs your contact areas) and lube packets in your purse. Also pack a change of underwear, in case you lose yours over there.
  

Before:

• Shave (armpits, legs, pubic area [all the way back]) and apply TendSkin™ to tender areas.
• Exfoliate face and body with a loofah, textured rag, or scrub.
• Wash and condition your hair (forego funky-smelling styling products if possible).
  
• Shower (vanilla-scented body wash works like a charm, plus you won't need to use perfume).
• Moisturize (baby oil on your legs, Eucerin™ everywhere else; don't forget your ass, stomach and back).
• Apply minimal makeup that won't run; forego the foundation and powder. Opt for lipgloss instead of bitter-tasting lipstick.
• Choose an outfit you can get into and out of very easily, unless it's a corset, in which case all bets are off.
• Break out that special, super-expensive, incredibly uncomfortable, extremely flattering lingerie set you splurged on for occasions such as these; that plunging, barely-there black lace number. Plus, the discomfort will make you want to take it off sooner.
  
• If he's making you a drink (red wine is good), for safety reasons, request that he not pour it until you get there.
• If you have allergies, pop a non-drowsy Benadryl or maybe a Sudafed.
• If you're prone to stomach upset and/or acid reflux, pop a Zantac.
  

[Disclaimer: I don't expressly condone casual (non-vital) and recurring usage of OTC drugs, but in this case, you have to make the situation as stress-free as possible, and that means minimizing possible personal discomforts.]

During:
Roll out your bag of tricks -

• Deepthroat.
• Tongue his balls.
• Lick up and down his chest.
• Nibble his earlobe.
• Drag your lips across his collarbone.
  
• Inhale his scent.
• Run your fingers through his hair.
• Press your naked flesh against his.
• Rub your erect nipples up and down his chest.
  
• Writhe at the hips.
• Lay the palm of your hand flat against the small of his back when he first enters you, pressing softly.
  
• Slowly but purposefully grind yourself down onto him.
• Show him you've been practising your kegels.
• Kiss him while he's still inside you.
  
• Make eye contact as you lick him.
• Smile, gasp, moan softly; make sure he knows how throroughly you're enjoying yourself, but remember: screaming works only in porn and if you live more than an acre from your nearest neighbor. People with sleeping neighbors don't like screamers.

After:

• Make sure all the condoms were flushed, or at least drained and properly disposed of.
• No need to bask in the afterglow for too long; collect your clothes and kiss him goodnight. That way, you'll leave a good impression, and you don't become the girl who wore out her welcome. If he's at your place, mention kindly that you have a very (very) early and important meeting/appointment, and you don't sleep well with company (I certainly don't).
• Use the bathroom; flushing your urethra helps prevent excruciatingly painful UTIs.
• Remove your makeup. Cleanse, tone and apply skincare.
  
• Take a quick shower; give all sticky areas the once-over with some antibacterial soap.
• Go to bed. After tonight's performance, you've more than earned your rest.

Did I forget anything?

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