Uh-Oh! Urine Trouble!

... or, "When did my life become a Sex And The City episode?".



This guy just asked me to pee on him! Why? Whyyyy?!? Why is my every little fantasy eventually turned upside down in depressing yet often amusing ways? Why don't I ever meet any normal, well-adjusted men in OC? Why is it always something?

My initial mental responses:
a) "Why?!?" and b) "...Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?"

After I got the request, and after I freaked out just a little bit, I put aside my queasiness and started to consider the logistics of watersports. Not the act itself, but just exactly how one would go about it. It was baffling, to be perfectly honest. Where to do it? Surely, the bed and carpeted floor are out of the question. Same for hardwood floors. The concrete balcony, though well-drained and easy to hose down (no pun intended) is far too public, so that's out. So maybe the kitchen, since the floor is tiled. But since urine is only sterile until it leave your body, who wants to let loose a bacterial breeding ground where they fix their (non pee-based) meals?

So the next obvious option is the bathroom. But if they have just a shower in that typical California teeny-ass 1 bedroom apartment, 2 people can't fit in there. At least, not comfortably enough to assist the mechanics of watersports. And if there is a tub, it's probably small as well (thanks, cheapskate landlord!). And besides, how unromantic, to be in a tiled (or cheap plastic-molded) white room surrounded by bathroom fixtures, mildew and shampoo. Charming, no? Not quite the place to set the mood for such an encounter. Maybe you can do it anywhere, if you lay down a tarp and a supply of paper towels...? How does one plan and subsequently prepare for a pee encounter?

And once you pick a location, how do you do it? Is it collected to be poured out later? If so, how is it kept warm to ensure optimum realism once used? Is a streaming aid utilized in flagrante delicto? Since women can't generally aim very well (neither can men, judging by empirical toilet-seat evidence, but that's a whole 'nother blog post), how do you get it from urethra to body, or-- heaven forbid-- mouth of the... er, reci-pee-ent?

Of course, he precedes it with, "I've never done this before, but...". Uh-huh; I bet. And then I got to wondering how someone figures out that being pissed on turns them on instead of (again, no pun intended) pissing them off. I mean, you don't just wake up one morning with a throbbing hard-on from the thought of a woman hoisting her leg and dousing you with funky-smelling amber liquid, do you? I'd wager that, unlike hetero or homosexuality, you're not born liking to be peed on. So how do you discover it? Do you set out to witness all methods of elimination and mentally jot down the one that makes you hard? Or is it a porno-driven fantasy thing? What's the appeal of warm piss on your naked flesh? Hell, my cat and my old pet rat peed on me; neither struck me as particularly enjoyable, but maybe I'm just too goddamn vanilla in my sexual proclivities.

Is it a case where the humiliation of peeing oneself while growing up morphs into a sexual obsession in adulthood? And why is it necessary to have someone else administer the urine; why not just pee on yourself?

If pissing turns you on, how do you use a public restroom without getting off? How do you make the distinction between enjoying watching other people pee and enjoying watching other people pee on you? What is it about urine coming into contact with your skin that is so enticing that you'd request it so bluntly? Whipped cream, chocolate syrup, or even melted candle wax on your skin, I understand. But pee? It's one of the foul substances your body excretes for a reason. Wherein lies the thrill of coming into contact with it?

And in the event that pee is not available, what (if anything) would be a suitable replacement? Carrie Bradsahw suggested warm tea to her politician. Would that work, or does it need to smell of that ammonia funk to get the desired effect? What about flat, warmed beer? Domestics like Miller, Coors and Budweiser would work like a charm, for obvious reasons.

So many questions...

By the way, I still haven't stopped giggling, because in my mind, it just slid quickly past 'gross' right smack into 'incredibly fucking absurd' and is therefore highly amusing; akin to singing opera at the top of your lungs while riding naked on the bus, wearing a knitted tea cozy on your head and a feather duster stuck up your ass.

[Edited to add link to a blog post I found by googling "he asked me to pee on him".][ETA: link fixed]

[Edit 3: Apparently, there is a web community for everything.]

Ed. note: Make sure to click on the link below that says "no non-blogger comments yet"to read more comments.