Dear New Guy

I apologize profusely for standing you up on our first date. I was there, sitting in the far corner of the Starbucks, reading behind a huge newspaper while wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap, like I always do on blind dates. I saw you. You seemed nice enough when you first entered. But when I checked out your outfit, I paused. Pink-ish shirt with green piping and a Bettie Paige silhouette on one side. Orange-brown-white plaid pants, cuffed. Bright, Ross-teeth-white sneakers. Ouch. And then you acted like a jerk to the girl at the counter. So what if she shorted you three cents? There's no need for you to call her an uneducated cunt. Besides, that's what you get for paying $4.50 for what is essentially a tarted-up version of a cup of fucking coffee. I would've still shown myself at that point, -- if only to kick the living shit out of you in a misguided attempt to teach you good manners-- but when I remembered your e-mails, rife with spelling errors, improper punctuation, horrible sentence structure, and grammatical mistakes, I decided I'd save myself the trouble.

Consider this a pre-emptive fuck off. But apologies for making you sit there waiting after I was long gone.

Sincerely,
Avatar.

PS: It's "you're hot", not "your hot"; a lot is 2 words, not one; it's "meet there", not "meet their", and there are 83 free fucking dictionaries on the internet. You uneducated cunt.