How NOT to get my attention

• Telling me your dick is small, but gets much bigger whn you get hard; in fact, you have a video that your wife shot of you jerking off, which you'd be happy to e-mail me; all I need to do is say the word. Um... no thanks? I appreciate the generous offer, but I'm gonna have to pass.
  
• Sending me an extreme close-up of your cock so brilliantly magnified that I can see bite marks on the head of your penis, with a note attached saying, "Can we play?". Click. Delete.
  
• Beginning a conversation with the question, "So... do you shave, or what?" You'll never find out, kid.
  
• Moving in with your longtime girlfriend, throwing a housewarming party, and then cupping my left boob in the kitchen while she goes to clean up the mess your dog just made. Let go of me, you pathetic little fuck; I loathe and pity you.
  
• Ranting about my politics on my blog and then sending me an e-mail to tell me how sorry you are, and by the way, can we hook up if you're ever in town because I sound really hot. Fuck off. Really.
  
• Saying, "I usually like my women model-thin, but you've got nice tits, so I guess I can settle for that." Uh, don't do me any favors, pal.
  
• Noting that, unlike your last lover, my small fists would fit nicely up your ass. Uh, I need to be somewhere else, preferably as far away from you as possible.
  
• Buying me a drink, and asking me "My place or yours?" before the drink hits the coaster. Woah, woah, woah; reign it in, Flash.
  
• Telling me you're not that great at oral sex, and need an understanding girl to practice on. Does it say Goodwill on my forehead, you loser? I don't do sexual charity.
  
• Asking me if I know what "bukkake" means. Ew. Freak.
  
• Saying you can smell me getting wet. Again, ew. Freak.
  
• Telling me your wife insists you date other people. Hm. Lucky me.
  
• Saying every girlfriend you've ever had changed into a complete fucking psycho headcase. 100%? Nice track record. And just for diclosure's sake, it's you... not them.
  
• I'm impotent, but very oral. *Poof!* (that's the sound of me vanishing.)