In My Administration

When I rule the universe, the first thing I'll do is legalize justifiable social euthanasia. And then outlaw guns. And fundamental conservatism. And reproduction within the Bush family. Since you won't be able to shoot people who piss you off on a daily basis, this opens up the gates for a slew of creative methods of dispatching one's antagonizers. I dunno... "flamethrower" has a nice ring to it. So anyway, here's a short list of the first few people who would die (legally) by my hand:

• Assholes who drive under 80 mph in the fast lane, and remain righteously indignant, claiming "everyone else is breaking the gosh-darn law".
• Fucktards who drives as if they've got a neutral zone around their heads.
• Wadgobbling cumstains who thinks they have the right to control your reproductive rights.
• Dipshits who walk 5 abreast on a crowded sidewalk.
• Fuckfaces who block the lane of a crowded 2-lane road (with parking on both sides) instead of parking their fucking behemoth.
• Asshats who think that 11pm on a weeknight is the perfect time to listen to classic rock. Cranked up to 11.
• Wastes of sperm and eggs who think 8 am on a Saturday is the perfect time to do construction involving a sandblaster and buzzsaw in the apartment below mine.
• Tiny-dicked bierfickers who think 6 am on a weekday is the perfect time to use a leafblower right outside my fucking window.
• Any insufferable douchebag who is aware of their STD diagnosis and still insists on fucking around without a condom anyway.
• Each and every denial-filled Napoleon under 5'2" who drives a full-size SUV or full-size pickup truck.
• The armed, bigoted, shit-for-brains vigilantes patrolling the US-Mexico border, a.k.a. the Minutemen.
• Couples who live in apartment buildings and spend 80% of their waking hours fighting. Loudly.
• Overpopulation contributors and impregnation addicts with children who live in an apartment building and said children spend 80% of their waking time screaming their heads off for one reason or another. Get off your lazy asses and do some fucking parenting, you witless sacks of shit.
  
• Brain trusts who think it's perfectly okay to have their kids playing unsupervised in the streets in a bad neighborhood at 10:30 at night. On second thought, scratch that. Let them get run over and/or killed. It means at least one less of those little delinquents will potentially rob my ass in ten years.
• EDITED TO ADD: Anonymous, pedantic, nitpicking commentors who smugly and self-righteously shit all over an impassioned blog post, for no other reason than to infuse themselves with an air of supposed superiority for knowing everything about everything. you know who they are... the kind of people who love to hear themselves talk, while everyone around them smiles and nods and prays silently but fervently that they would just a) drop dead, b) shut the fuck up already, or c) buy a ladder and get the fuck over themselves. I've said it before and I'll re-iterate for the slow and latecoming: if you don't like what I write, feel free to get your own blog. But don't use my comments as your personal soapbox if you haven't the personal fortitude to reveal yourself. If you truly believed your stance, and weren't disagreeing for the sake of riling people up via your twisted attention-whoring, you'd identify yourself and stand by your opinion like I and many others have.