How To Land A Man

I've been reading personal ads for a few years. They truly fascinate me. Online dating seems to be the new way people meet and mate, and I think that if one is aware of its pitfalls and doesn't have one's expectations set too high or too low, one can really get something meaningful out of it.

In particular, I've been reading the ones that straight men post, and I think I've just now figured out the perfect woman for the average guy looking for a date/fuck/whatever-as-long-as-it's-not-'girlfriend' online:

DIET & BODY TYPE

• She has to be the type that counts calories and watches her weigh obsessively, lest she pork up and/or let herself go, at least while she's with him
  
• But she has to be down for late-night junk-food runs, snacking and staying in on weekends for lazy sex and movie marathons on the couch
• So she has to be a careless eater who can somehow avoid packing on the pounds
  
• She also has to be thin, athletic and outdoorsy
• But she can't be too thin, or too muscular, as men still want curves, not pointy hips and knees or rock-hard biceps
• But natural curves, as most don't like the feel of implants
• So she has to be a thin, athletic woman with a liberal diet and zero body fat with no bony bits and big, natural tits
  

GROOMING

• She has to be a girly-girl; flawless makeup, perfect hair, high heels, designer clothes, french-tip nails, hairless down there, bleached asshole... the whole nine yards
  
• But she can't be high maintenance; she has to be able to run in clear stripper-heels and do a touchdown without ruining her makeup
• But too much makeup is a deal-killer
  
• So she has to look flawless at all times (dressed and naked) while not being high-maintenance, but she can't be the type who wears a lot of makeup and has fussy hair extensions and a radioactive spray-on tan
  

EDUCATION

• She has to be really smart, and have a good grasp of politics and current events
• But not so smart that she's outspoken or opinionated
• And especially not so smart that she dares to disagree with him
• So she has to be a well-educated, independent woman who knows that her rightful place is not in a men's conversation
• Bonus points for a PhD candidate in astro-physics who doesn't dare open her mouth lest she make him feel stupid
  

INDEPENDENCE

• She has to be the sort of woman who can solve problems on her own; change her own oil, unplug her own kitchen sink, that sort of thing
  
• She also has to be able to get by with neither his assistance nor his presence, as he needs to spend his weekends with the boys doing Man Stuff
• But she can't be so independent that she'd dare to spend her time with the girls doing girly 'chick (not Woman) stuff', especially if it involves spending money, whether or not it's his
  
• And even if she can wield a torque wrench with her bare (perfectly manicured) hands, she has to be scared to death of bugs and rodents, and need him to walk her to her car at night to fend off rapists and muggers
  
• So she has to be self-sufficient, but not so self-sufficient that she realizes she doesn't really need him

SEXUAL BRAVADO

• She has to be sexually free; the adventurous type who will indulge his passion for road head, anal sex and threesomes with other women (not men)
  
• But not so free that she'd have tried any of those nasty, slutty things before, especially not with any other men
• But she has to have enough experience to know how to do those things for him well, lest he dump her for her inadequacy
• So she has to be a sexually liberated virgin who has learned perfect bedroom technique, preferably via osmosis

MENTAL STATE

• She has to be messed-up enough to cry and beg for crazy, freaky sex with him, preferably after a fight, and especially when he treats her like crap
  
• But not so crazy that she flips out, is unbalanced, manic-depressive, passive aggressive, co-dependent, psychotic and/or needs to be heavily medicated

Master these subtleties and you, too, could be good enough for the kind of man who posts personal ads without his own clear, recent, close-up picture! You know, the kind of guy who hasn't gotten laid since the Reagan administration, thinks personal hygiene is merely a suggestion, and jerks off to internet porn so frequently and with such fervor that one bicep is noticeably bigger than the other.

Or, you could apply to date this gift-to-women.

Edit for Jiminem @ Craigslist: Sweetie, if you're reading this, calm down.

Firstly, where's your sense of publicity? Of all the hits my link sent your way, surely someone knew of a woman who fit your requirements and was kind enough to send her your way. If you got any prospective responses since I linked you, chances are they came from one of my readers, and in that case, you should be saying thanks to whomever spent the time reading it.

Secondly, anyone else would have immediately realized that my entire post was not, in fact, directed specifically at you. Such, my friend, is the vague nature of observational anecdotes. If I were you, I would have used both the post here and the feedback in comments as a platform upon which to re-examine my ad for contradictions and impossibilities.

What you did by being so honest, I must admit, is admirable. Really. It's refreshing to see a young man so aware of what he wants. But it is my opinion that your expectations of a partner (if your hundred-plus-entries itemized list is any indication) are too high, and any decent woman would be understandably intimidated by a shopping list of qualifications she most likely will never fit. Think about that for a while, and reconsider your approach. You're welcome.