On The Road

I see you, Mr. Muscle Car
Shirt off in 56-degree weather
Driving a (restored?) Trans-Am with the windows rolled down
Freezing your hairy nipples off
Your confusing mish-mash of Kanji, tribal, celtic and classic biker tattoos cascading
From your shouldler, across your chest, and down your arm
I see you
Hair pulled back, knuckles on the wheel,
Eyes rolling lazily from side to side
Giving off that "For sure, I'm hot shit" aura
That hits my nose only
With the signature stink of "Trying Too Hard"
I see you, Mr. "I'm Too Fucking Cool For Even Myself"
And I'm not impressed.

I see you, Mr. Expensive Sportscar
In your snappy silver import convertible
That practically screams "MIDLIFE CRISIS!!!!"
Your face permanently affixed with that salesman-esque shit-eating grin
And the fast-disappearing hairline of an oft-hated man
Expensive suit, Bluetooth headset
Broadcasting loud conversations at the stoplight
Like you're so fucking important
I see you
Peeling my shirt off with your lecherous eyes
With an intensity that makes my skin crawl
Willing me to raise both your ego and shaft
I see you, Mr. "Horny, Old-but-in-denial, Yuppie Douchebag"
And I'm not impressed.

I see you, Mr. 4 x 4 truck
Blasting KROQ and Eminem
'Cause you're a dope fuckin' rocker, for realz, yo
Smacking of rap-rock gansta wannabe
Sneering on your way to your 420 rendezvous
Thinking of your next six-pack, your next CD, your next bent-beaked baseball cap
All the while barely making out
The road past the dashboard
I see you
Peering over, biting your lip, and tossing off a single nod in my direction
As I wonder why you drive a car
You need a trampoline to get into
And if you need a booster chair while driving
I see you, Mr. "Little Man, Big Truck, Little Dick"
And I'm not impressed.

I see you, Mr. Economy Compact
Listening to unpretentious, non-trendy CDs
Eyes affixed firmly on the road
Mind intently focused on your career, your friends, your lackluster love life
You catch my glance and smile politely
Adjust your mirror
And wonder why women always skip the nice guy
I see you
Slowly roll away as the light turns green
And I wonder what it would be like
To awake to those kind eyes
To stroke your slightly chubby cheeks
To cuddle up next to your doughy chest
To see you give me that smile over and over again
I see you, Mr. "Average Joe"
And believe me, you've left quite an impression.