Irksome Porn Clichés

Having slept with my fair share of inexperienced young men who seemed by their actions to have taken all their sexual cues and techniques solely from porno videos, I felt it necessary to compile a list of things which may be very common in porn but don't translate well in the real-life bedroom. As they say on TV, folks, do not try these at home:

• Pulling the dildo/vibrator/buttplug/cock out of her ass and then stuffing it into her mouth, expecting her to moan about how great her own ass tastes.
• High-speed spitting onto her cooch, and then using your dick to part the loogie curtain in order to fuck her. What is up with that?
• To be fair, she also needs to not spit onto the head of your dick, only to slurp it right back up as it runs down the shaft. It's so unbelievably gross to look at. Spitting in porn, if absolutely necessary, really does not need to be shown. Or heard, for that matter. You can practically hear the needle being yanked off the record in the background.
• Creampies: avoid at all costs. It's like a runny nose you can never wipe away.
  
• If you get to cum on her face, don't wipe the stray blobs of your spooge into her open mouth. Um... ew?
• Rapid-fire two-finger fucking with your digits straight and pointy instead of curled upwards. Worse still if your nails are jagged and unclipped. If you fail on both counts, you need a lesson from the lesbians.
• Don't push down on her head while she blows you. If you do, I hope she's a biter.
• Hair-pulling. Do you have any idea how much those extensions cost? Hm? How long they took to put in? Also, bleached-blond hair is very fragile. If you come away with chunks of her scalp clenched in your fists, I hope whoever she is, in return she punches you in the cock.
• Ripping the lacy underthings off her body: see above. Sexylicious bras and panties are fucking expensive.
• If she's shaved to within an inch of her life, the least you can do is not look as if Sasquatch is swinging from your balls and you've got a troll doll stuffed feet-first up your ass.
  
• Your O-face: If I ever see you make that face again, it'd be two times too many. Try to do it while she's facing away, or has her eyes closed. It'll be to your benefit... trust me.
  
• Regarding cumming in her eyes. That shit's just not necessary, man. And it stings like a motherfucker. If you ever misfired during a round of vigorous knob-polishing, you know exactly what I'm talking about.