Sexual Deterrents

...or, "Tried-and-True Methods Of Preventing Yourself From Sleeping With Your Shitty Ex After A Semi-Reconciliatory Date Even Though You Really, Really Want To Get Laid."

To prevent yourself from getting too close to him/her, cultivate some righteous b.o. Not just some pussified "musky, ripe, hasn't showered for 3 days" stink; I'm talking "hot garbage running top-speed on a treadmill", or "rotten fish stashed in a carton of whole milk and wrapped in a dirty diaper then peed on and locked in a car filled with damp, sweaty clothes parked on the top of a parking structure in LA the entire summer with the windows shut" stank. If all else fails, rub yourself in durian. Wear something sleeveless, and plan to have your date in an environment where you are certain to work up a sweat.

To prevent yourself from giving in to the temptation to kiss him/her, don't brush your teeth. For, like, 3 days straight. Don't pick them or floss, either. Shun oral hygiene altogether, including mouthwash and breath mints. And those Listerine pocket pack breath strips. And Breath-Assure. Eat runny, cave-ripened French cheeses, and guzzle cheap wine. Cultivate a bacterial colony of the sort that causes a light grey, fuzzy mold to sprout over time. And just before your date, eat a box of Oreo cookies. And don't brush after that, either. Make sure to smile a lot during, to show off the sorry state of your teeth.

To prevent yourself from looking even remotely sexy or suggestive to him/her, wear your oldest, rattiest clothes. You know... the tacky, tasteless, ill-fitting thrift-store finds/hand-me-downs festering under layers of dust and spider eggs at the back of your closet, the ones which smell faintly of old and/or dead people, and that have so many rat or moth derived holes that you'll look like either a block of Swiss cheese or the end result of assault-rifle target practice with you playing said target. The ones with so many hanging hems and loose threads that you'll look like you're dressed in tassels. Or those fabulous military epaulets. For extra don't-fuck-me points, make sure to leave your hobo outfit out someplace where the cat will more than likely pee on it while you're in the shower.

An upset to your health and equilibrium will, if it doesn't kill you, at least prevent you from inviting him/her to hang out after dinner. To achieve it, order something that you know gives you either gastrointestinal upset or an inflammatory response. If you're allergic to shellfish, order the seafood platter, but only if you have your Epi-pen handy. If broccoli gives you the shits, order two servings of the steamed florets with hollandaise sauce. If beans give you gas, order a massive burrito with extra refried goodness. If asparagus makes your spooge smell like rancid bleach, get some to go, too. If dairy gives you an ass-opening case of Montezuma's revenge, make sure to request the cheese plate after dinner. This step is absolutely fool-proof.

Above all else, don't shave anything. There is no greater turnoff to sexual congress than unruly body hair. If you're a guy, don't shave your face. A menacingly razor-sharp 12 o'clock shadow will make you want to avoid the soft and/or smooth parts of your partner's anatomy. If you're a girl, embrace your inner hippie by growing out your unsightly armpit hair. Both sexes can embrace their inner 70s porn star/Demi Moore by growing out their pubic bush (NSFW). Dingleberries are the ultimate turn-off, but unless you have the strong will to pull them off (so to speak), I don't recommend them.

There you have it! However, suggestions are always welcome.