How To Lose Your Lover

Let's say you're a guy. You're in your mid-twenties, you're frisky, you're virile, and you want to sow your oats before the reality of adult life hits you upside the head come 30. Since you're not into affairs of the heart, a girlfriend is completely out of the question. Sure, she could be persuaded to go on the pill and you'd blow your mind raw-dogging it 'til kingdom (or you… whichever) come, but is it worth the clinginess, the constant asking of favors, the need to cuddle when all you want to do is sleep, and the expectation of mind-reading on your part when she inexplicably bursts into tears? You don't think so. So what are your other options?

Like most 20-something guys, you're too full of yourself to pay for sex, justifying your stance using oh-so-tasteful phrases like "Too cute to pay for it", and wholeheartedly believing-- even for a second-- that you're somehow superior to those who do.

So, being young, dumb, and (painfully) full of cum, you decide to embark upon a friends-with-benefits thing, if by "friend" you mean "convenient place to warm your woody when you choose". By sheer dumb luck, you snag a woman:

1. close to your age who is...
   
2. easy on the eyes,
   
3. has all the right curves, and...
4. a brain, to boot!
   
5. And she wants to sleep with you!
   Who da mothafuckin' MAN?!?

You completely luck out and snag a non-clingy woman who is damn near guaranteed never, ever to think there's more to your penis being inside her vagina than simply 'his penis is inside my vagina'. She doesn't dissect your every conversation looking for either meaning or intent (she knows better than to expect that from you), and she doesn't want to hold your hand or look deeply into your eyes. In fact, she keeps her eyes closed while she fucks you. I mean, how's that for casual detachment?

So anyway, score, right? You're damn right. But how do you hold on to her? Here is my no-fail "How Not To Fuck It Up When All You Want Is To Fuck" list:

• Don't expect it only when you want, where you want, no exceptions.
  – Sometimes, she won't be up for it. Could be a bad day at work, could be that the thought of fucking you (or anyone, really) while she's passing clots the size of golf balls turns her stomach, whatever… if she says "No", suck it up and jerk off. Nobody likes a whiner.
  
• Make yourself available when she needs you.
  – Trust me on this: when the sap is rising, you'd best get while the getting's good. Even if it means employing Jedi mind tricks to get it up, when she is where she says she is, you won't need a forklift to keep it there once she lays into you.
  
• For goodness' sake, shower.
  – There's no more efficient method of acquiring a one-way ticket to Blue-Balls -ville (population: you) than noxious odors of the crevice variety.
  
• And brush your teeth.
  – See above.
  
• Keep it interesting.
  – If she can recite the steps and progression of your last 4 encounters without pausing for a breath, you're doing it all wrong. Move out of the bedroom, open the blinds, brave some carpet burn, fuck in the shower, bring a silicone friend… whatever you've got to do to heighten her anticipation, do it. If her fantasy is doing it with a Storm Trooper, by gum, break out the credit card, don your best pair of black thermals and log on to waterproofstarwarscostumes.com ASAP.
  
• Don't hurt her.
  – I'm not referring to heartbreak here; I mean don't cause her physical pain. If you bruise her arm, thigh, or cervix in a fit of jackhammering silliness, you can be damn sure you're not going to be around when that bruise fades.
  
• Don't play mind games.
  – Don't sabotage yourself by talking copious amounts of shit about "Love", "A Future", and "Relationships". You've already hit the jackpot, doofus... shut your trap. If not, you'll encounter one of two things: either she'll take your line of silky-smooth bullshit to heart and morph from sex-loving Jezebel into Miss Polly Proper-- who doesn't want to fuck you again or do that crazy thing with your balls that you like so much until she's met your parents-- or she'll wig out and replace your creepily lovelorn ass right damn quick.
  
• Don't call her for anything other than sex.
  – Sure, you have her number, but that doesn't give you carte blanche to ring her up when you need help moving cheap plastic crates of your juvenile shit (comic books, action figures, that wood carving from Camp Pedophiliacsamongus) out of your parent's garage or finding primo struts for your already-overstuffed rice rocket.
  
• Don't call more than twice in a row.
  – Reeking of desperation is a real mood killer.
  
• Same for e-mail and text messaging.
  
• And if you're a sky-writer or a semaphore pro... same damn thing!
  
• Compliment her.
  – No matter what you think of what she's doing at the moment, there's nothing better than a well-placed compliment to ramp up the randiness. Tell her she's amazing. Say her technique blows your mind. Trust me, your prostate will thank you.
  
• Last, but most certainly not least... Don't linger.
  – When it's over, kiss her lips, pack up your cock-and-balls and leave.
  

That's it, really. Heed these and enjoy.

PS: Why is this list so slanted in her favor? It's simple, really. If she decides she's bored with you, you're shit out of luck. The chances of landing a woman this compatible again in a short period of time are about the same as Ted Haggard actually being straight, and if you find yourself flung out on your ass as her not-so-pearly-anymore gates slam shut with a resounding 'clang!', you're just plain shit out of luck, my friend.